I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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