my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
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The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
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The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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