this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
