the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
