I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i've created a new STD.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
