so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
