Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
