so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize