I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
