If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You are a genius and a whore.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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