Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
