I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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