i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
