when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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