So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
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False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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