She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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