i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
