I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
