Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
