Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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