allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize