Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
