Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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