Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
