I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
