She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
