i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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