it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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