is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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