u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
