My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
