FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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