I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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