Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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