My Higher Power is John Stamos
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Alive.
So much puke
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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