i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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