alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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