i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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