twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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