I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
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next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
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We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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