and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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