Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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