I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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