i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
