"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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