You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my sisters under your porch take her home
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
