I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
