Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
