it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
