It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
