I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
