I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
