when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
