tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
