It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
