I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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