I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
